Whatever lies will help you rest

They say that life would not be complete without the pain and sorrow. That the heartbreaking lows of life are what make us who are. If that’s the case then my life must be so very complete. I can’t help but think though, that this is just what the tragic amongst us tell ourselves so that our misery has a purpose. Because surely God, karma or whatever power it is that takes these decisions out of our hands would not put us at the mercy of fate if it wasn’t for some reason of greater good? But the older I get and the longer i’ve waited to find some sense in this world; the more I think that there is no purpose, no order, no sense. That bad things happen to good people, the truth will not always out and justice will not be served. Some call this bitterness and pessimism; I call it being prepared. The way I see it, I could grow very old trying to wait for karmic payback. Or maybe its just as simple as getting a tax rebate or something. Maybe if I just had Karma’s address I could write a letter:”Dear Karma, I appear to have paid with much more than my fair share of tragedy and would very much like some back payment of good karma. Please see my destroyed spirit as proof of this payment. Thank you.” But then again I don’t think you can write cheques for cosmic credit.

Begin again from the beginning

I've learned more about myself this year than I have in the other 21. I always assumed that because i'd been through so much that I must have a good understanding of myself. But I think I was always in crisis mode, I was only being what was necessary for self preservation or what was needed to be there for other people. So I never learned how to just be what I am, but i'm learning now.

Things i've learned about myself in a year

- I care too much and that gets me hurt
- But I dont want to change that necessarily
- I'm addicted to work
- Forgiveness can save me as much as the other person
- Forgiveness doesnt make me weak
- Sometimes i'd rather watch tv in bed than go out and there's nothing wrong with that
- People are what matter to me most
- Just because i'm willing to give everything doesnt mean I should
- I need people both more and less than I think
- I'm not that bad really
- Being the best is overrated

Time wont let me go

Look for the signs they say, you'll know when you're slipping again and then you can stop it. Can I? Do I have that strength. I saw it coming last time, but I didnt stop it. But I guess the difference was that I didnt see the point then, the point of getting better. There was nothing and no one to get better for. I wasnt enough. Maybe i'm becoming enough. Or at least i'm starting to see myself more that way. I'll fight to keep myself and what I am, maybe.
But then I felt better before, then I slipped a bit more at a time until I was so far gone I didnt know how to fix it....or how to want to. I feel better but how do I know it will stay this way? I dont want to be that far in the dark again, not ever. Its always there, creeping at the corner of my eye and the corner of my mind. Reminding me that when i have a weak moment, if I give up even for a moment...it will drag me down again. I want to be well and normal and walk amongst the living; live intensely in every moment. I'll fight to keep that. But i'm so tired, i've fought so much. I'm so tired.

Mirrors

I am afraid of mirrors.
Mirrors cannot lie
Cheat
Or bend the truth.
They are not like me.

I worry what they'll show me.
Maybe I'm not pretty
Maybe I'm not there.
Maybe I'm still that little girl.
Maybe I look just like you.

I am afraid of mirrors
But I am not afraid of you

Family Portrait

It wasnt too long ago that I had almost no one, family wise that was. Then I had estranged Dads reappearing and runaway Step-dads trying to contact me; now I have secret sisters coming out of the woodwork. Not just one but two, twins. They were just there living in my hometown my whole life, they even went to my school and no one felt the need to let me know. That might have been good information to have, especially with how things have been. Having a couple of sisters might just have come in handy.

What do you wear when you go to meet family you never knew you had? What on earth do I say? They must hate him, he abandoned them but not me. Why me? Maybe they resent me too, it wouldnt be surprising really. How do I tell them that however much it hurt to be abandoned that they were almost definitely better off? There will be so many elephants in the room during this meeting I dont see how it would be possible to breathe.

Maybe it will be fine, even nice. We could even get on. Besides people like me can't go around turning down family.

Days of the phoenix

Every day is a silent battle. It starts from the second I open my eyes, I fight to find reasons to get up and start the day. I find them in friends, in work, in the many supposed pleasures of the world. I fight to keep hold of them, I hold on for dear life to have something to keep hold of when I fall again. If I have enough to keep in the world, maybe i wont slip from it again.

These battles are the hardest to fight. How can we draw the battle lines when the fight is against ourself? How can we win? We win by carrying on the fight.

Show me how to live

Show me how to live. Be the one that changes my life; changes everything. Make me see the world in sharper focus and myself. Make me see myself through your eyes. Let me see you and everything that you are; everything you want to be. I want to help you become that. We could shake the world or else burn out; cancel out each others fire. Tell me to jump, break my fall. Show me how to live.