Whatever lies will help you rest

They say that life would not be complete without the pain and sorrow. That the heartbreaking lows of life are what make us who are. If that’s the case then my life must be so very complete. I can’t help but think though, that this is just what the tragic amongst us tell ourselves so that our misery has a purpose. Because surely God, karma or whatever power it is that takes these decisions out of our hands would not put us at the mercy of fate if it wasn’t for some reason of greater good? But the older I get and the longer i’ve waited to find some sense in this world; the more I think that there is no purpose, no order, no sense. That bad things happen to good people, the truth will not always out and justice will not be served. Some call this bitterness and pessimism; I call it being prepared. The way I see it, I could grow very old trying to wait for karmic payback. Or maybe its just as simple as getting a tax rebate or something. Maybe if I just had Karma’s address I could write a letter:”Dear Karma, I appear to have paid with much more than my fair share of tragedy and would very much like some back payment of good karma. Please see my destroyed spirit as proof of this payment. Thank you.” But then again I don’t think you can write cheques for cosmic credit.

Begin again from the beginning

I've learned more about myself this year than I have in the other 21. I always assumed that because i'd been through so much that I must have a good understanding of myself. But I think I was always in crisis mode, I was only being what was necessary for self preservation or what was needed to be there for other people. So I never learned how to just be what I am, but i'm learning now.

Things i've learned about myself in a year

- I care too much and that gets me hurt
- But I dont want to change that necessarily
- I'm addicted to work
- Forgiveness can save me as much as the other person
- Forgiveness doesnt make me weak
- Sometimes i'd rather watch tv in bed than go out and there's nothing wrong with that
- People are what matter to me most
- Just because i'm willing to give everything doesnt mean I should
- I need people both more and less than I think
- I'm not that bad really
- Being the best is overrated

Time wont let me go

Look for the signs they say, you'll know when you're slipping again and then you can stop it. Can I? Do I have that strength. I saw it coming last time, but I didnt stop it. But I guess the difference was that I didnt see the point then, the point of getting better. There was nothing and no one to get better for. I wasnt enough. Maybe i'm becoming enough. Or at least i'm starting to see myself more that way. I'll fight to keep myself and what I am, maybe.
But then I felt better before, then I slipped a bit more at a time until I was so far gone I didnt know how to fix it....or how to want to. I feel better but how do I know it will stay this way? I dont want to be that far in the dark again, not ever. Its always there, creeping at the corner of my eye and the corner of my mind. Reminding me that when i have a weak moment, if I give up even for a moment...it will drag me down again. I want to be well and normal and walk amongst the living; live intensely in every moment. I'll fight to keep that. But i'm so tired, i've fought so much. I'm so tired.

Mirrors

I am afraid of mirrors.
Mirrors cannot lie
Cheat
Or bend the truth.
They are not like me.

I worry what they'll show me.
Maybe I'm not pretty
Maybe I'm not there.
Maybe I'm still that little girl.
Maybe I look just like you.

I am afraid of mirrors
But I am not afraid of you

Family Portrait

It wasnt too long ago that I had almost no one, family wise that was. Then I had estranged Dads reappearing and runaway Step-dads trying to contact me; now I have secret sisters coming out of the woodwork. Not just one but two, twins. They were just there living in my hometown my whole life, they even went to my school and no one felt the need to let me know. That might have been good information to have, especially with how things have been. Having a couple of sisters might just have come in handy.

What do you wear when you go to meet family you never knew you had? What on earth do I say? They must hate him, he abandoned them but not me. Why me? Maybe they resent me too, it wouldnt be surprising really. How do I tell them that however much it hurt to be abandoned that they were almost definitely better off? There will be so many elephants in the room during this meeting I dont see how it would be possible to breathe.

Maybe it will be fine, even nice. We could even get on. Besides people like me can't go around turning down family.

Days of the phoenix

Every day is a silent battle. It starts from the second I open my eyes, I fight to find reasons to get up and start the day. I find them in friends, in work, in the many supposed pleasures of the world. I fight to keep hold of them, I hold on for dear life to have something to keep hold of when I fall again. If I have enough to keep in the world, maybe i wont slip from it again.

These battles are the hardest to fight. How can we draw the battle lines when the fight is against ourself? How can we win? We win by carrying on the fight.

Show me how to live

Show me how to live. Be the one that changes my life; changes everything. Make me see the world in sharper focus and myself. Make me see myself through your eyes. Let me see you and everything that you are; everything you want to be. I want to help you become that. We could shake the world or else burn out; cancel out each others fire. Tell me to jump, break my fall. Show me how to live.

Quote

"I'm not like a used car you can fix up...I'm never going to run right"

Bella- New Moon

This Time Imperfect

I dont believe in love at first sight. I believe that you real love has to have time to grow, you have to know the person. But I do think that you can know that could love someone pretty early on; given the chance. No one can explain why we fall in love or what it is, because it cant be explained. It doesnt make sense.

The first time I saw him, the person I loved for over three years, it was nothing extraordinary. My friend pointed him out and said that he thought would get on well. I barely looked; i wasnt interested. Then one day i was going about my life and suddenly there he was and he seemed...different. I couldnt figure it out. Taller? Different clothes? Haircut? Everyone else thought he looked the same. Maybe I was just ready to really look and to see him.

So i kept finding excuses to talk to him, to walk past him. I walk completely out of my way to see him for a second. I was completely confused for a while until I realised...I liked him. Really liked him. Something told me, though I would never admit it to anyone, that we could be something amazing. He just didnt know it yet. But somehow I did, it didnt make any sense but I knew it.

I was brave. I knew what i wanted, I went for it, I got it. I gambled with my heart. And even though I lost in the end it was worth it. There was a calm to being in love. When I was with him, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to me and I was at ease.

I worry that I wont be that brave again. And that I wont ever find that calm and that stillness again. It seems such a small chance that I could find someone that I could feel that for, or even less likely I could find someone that would feel that for me. And even if I did, will I make the leap? Will I let myself fall and risk that no one will catch me?

Try honesty

Why does everyone lie? The reasons are never simple. Often because we even lie about the reasons for the lie itself. So many lies i've had justified away as 'for your own good'. When will people finally admit that the people that lie are usually doing it to protect themselves? Because the only thing that hurts more than the truth is to find out you've been lied to about it. Its the lack of respect and dignity. That you didnt deserve to know the truth, that they thought you were blind enough to never see it. Then comes the moment when where their lies cant hold anymore and you see it all. When are you better off?

Quote

"I told you I know my limits. Let me decide what I can handle."

Cristina (Grey's Anatomy)

Today's song...

Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OQH0jXNViA

Makes me think of....someone changing your life

What are you willing to give?

It used to seem simple; the morality of it all. If someone needs help and you can help them, then you do it. But you get older and things get more complicated, the more you learn about the world the less it makes sense. You have more baggage and damages to bring to everything and so does everyone else involved. Suddenly there are more layers to everything. Suddenly, the help you think you're giving can actually just make everything worse. Sometimes what they need is for you to let them go and save themselves. Before they take everything and you're the one that needs saving. Because if that happens will those same people be there to pick up your pieces like you did for them?

But then the danger is that they might just realise that they can do it on their own and they dont need you. If they dont need you around will they want you? It might not be worth the risk.

Broken hearted in Nero

Its not as if I was stupid enough to think we'd be together forever, but i still wasnt ready for it at all. I thought that there would be more signs, I though i would have time to prepare and disconnect.

He took me to Nero. Somehow that makes it worse, not only did I get dumped in public but I had to drink Nero coffee whilst it was happening. Also due to the service being so slow I had to wait around for it to happen. Maybe I should have marched up to the counter and said "Excuse me, I know you're busy but I'm waiting to get my heart broken over here".

What can you say to someone that has fallen out of love with you? Its not his fault, he hasnt done anything wrong. Especially when i dont blame him, the state I'm in who could bring themselves to love me anyway? Not someone that needs to fix me. I'm broken and though he'd never admit it, he wanted someone whole.

I need someone to love me including all my damages; not just in spite of them.

People Help the People (Cherry Ghost)

I think i've realised something about why its important to open up to people. Its not just because its important to you, its because its important to them. When someone cares about you they need to feel that they're not helpless, that they can have some impact on your life. I used to think it was kinder to the other person not to offload my drama on to them, i didnt realise that by doing that i could hurt them and make them feel unnecessary. People need to feel needed.

So if i cant let people in to help myself, maybe i can do it to help the people that care about me. Because when someone has the misfortune to care about me, I should try to look after myself for them. Its the least they deserve.

Maybe one day I'll want to do it for me.

Todays song....

Off I Go- Greg Laswell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHzr7wdnuqw

Time will change your heart (Blindside)

Sometimes I think that relationships really just come down to adjusting your expectations to fit what the other person is capable of, but at the same time balancing this with not compromising on what you need. If you cant find the balance...then one of you will lose yourself. And if you do lose yourself in love, what will you have left when it all falls apart?

Today's song....

To Build A Home- The Cinematic Orchestra


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV-CRqeR-Cc