Begin again from the beginning

I've learned more about myself this year than I have in the other 21. I always assumed that because i'd been through so much that I must have a good understanding of myself. But I think I was always in crisis mode, I was only being what was necessary for self preservation or what was needed to be there for other people. So I never learned how to just be what I am, but i'm learning now.

Things i've learned about myself in a year

- I care too much and that gets me hurt
- But I dont want to change that necessarily
- I'm addicted to work
- Forgiveness can save me as much as the other person
- Forgiveness doesnt make me weak
- Sometimes i'd rather watch tv in bed than go out and there's nothing wrong with that
- People are what matter to me most
- Just because i'm willing to give everything doesnt mean I should
- I need people both more and less than I think
- I'm not that bad really
- Being the best is overrated

Time wont let me go

Look for the signs they say, you'll know when you're slipping again and then you can stop it. Can I? Do I have that strength. I saw it coming last time, but I didnt stop it. But I guess the difference was that I didnt see the point then, the point of getting better. There was nothing and no one to get better for. I wasnt enough. Maybe i'm becoming enough. Or at least i'm starting to see myself more that way. I'll fight to keep myself and what I am, maybe.
But then I felt better before, then I slipped a bit more at a time until I was so far gone I didnt know how to fix it....or how to want to. I feel better but how do I know it will stay this way? I dont want to be that far in the dark again, not ever. Its always there, creeping at the corner of my eye and the corner of my mind. Reminding me that when i have a weak moment, if I give up even for a moment...it will drag me down again. I want to be well and normal and walk amongst the living; live intensely in every moment. I'll fight to keep that. But i'm so tired, i've fought so much. I'm so tired.